TABIA MBAYA!

My pal jus sent me this Fwd and I thot it was the funniest thing i've read this week... funny, coz the situation rung so close to home....I could picture the whole thing happening right infront of me....

nb:I dont fall into the category of chicks like this but I've got pals who have been situations xactly like this! Have a great weekend Folks!


The case for staying home on a sato night

Chic: (calls jmburus) "Hello... Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. si we do some nyama ?"
jmburus: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees... "Sawa sweetie.. how about buffet park Shall I pick u at 2?"
Chic: Sawa.. laterz.
(jmburus amukas from Friday's hengies, showers, jeans n polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms, then drives to the chics crib...)
So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order the nyaks.
jmburus (to chic) : So what do u want to have .. ?
Chic: just anything...
(aki these women are just thick at times... sasa hiyo ni jibu gani)
jmburus (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu, kilo moja na nusu, choma, ... ikuje na kachum... *..**
(chic interrupts jmburus ! )
chic: APANA eeiishh! Si you know I dont eat goat meat
(jmburus thinks to himself... " Really!... then why didnt you say so in the first place, nugu hii")
jmburus: (To chic) How about beef then?
chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont like mathunya...
(jmburus looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself... "ati fat, you are already carrying a 40 kilo MATAKO, surely ... 2 grams of fat are negligible)
jmburus: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe haina mafuta.
(butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma and holds it up for jmburus to see)
jmburus: weka hiyo nione...
(as the butcher is weighing it on the scale.. chic point at a small..... very very small piece of fat on the meat)
chic: Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana, tuonyeshe ingine...
(butcher curses .. under his breath)
(other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start fidgeting)
(jmburus feels like he should just have ordered fish fry from those fat jang'o women they pitad on their way in)
(chic points at a fresh carcass of meat ... somewhere near where the meat is hanging from such that is impossible to extract a piece without the entire carcass falling down on the floor)
Chic: kata pale ...
butcher: hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti
(butcher attempts to return the piece back on the scale)
Chic: Apana!.. Hauna nyama zingine kwa store...
jmburus: (to chic) lets do this... let him fry that one, I will eat the mathunya pieces ama... ?
chic: OK
jmburus: (to butcher) Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania na spinach. Ongeza ugali mbili...
chic: (to jmburus) .. Ugali? me I dont want ugg.. Dont they have chipos.
chic: (to butcher) leta na ugali moja na chips mbili
(jmburus thinks to himself... no wonder the butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoid animal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haoni kundule)
Butcher: KAMAU!!! Oya nyama ino! ni furae, na wikire nyanya, dhania na spinashi. ndugekire waaru..
(butcher pins the meat with a tag and tosses it to kamau in the kichen behind him)
Butcher: Sawa... shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53...Itachukwa ithaa moja ...
jmburus pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag..
So we enter the open space of the club and sit down. Waiter comes, jmburus orders his cold Tusker, chic orders her malt..
We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda... then there is this mama who pitaz a tray of oil oozing samosas, sausages and mshikakis..
Chic: we psst ppstt nipe samosa mbili na hiyo nini ...
jmburus: (shocked).. haiya si u wait for the meat..
Chic: I will still kula the meat...
jmburus: ok (and she proceeds to kula 2 samoz and 3 mshikakis)
One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto for washing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the chipos and the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice...
"Bonne Appetit"! .. Karibu Nyama " ... Jmburus invites the mama and thinks to himself.. now she will really shiba...
LAKINI WAPI!
Yaani after all that shiet, she just hen pecks about the platter of meat here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2 plates of chipoz having eaten only 3 pieces of nyama.
As if that is NOT ENOUGH ... 3 minutes later: Chic: tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! Waiter ! niletee serviettes pliz..na toothpicks
jmburus: (cursing silently ) why arent you eating nyama....
chic: I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers ... Si u jua the way they can be nasty..
(without another word jmburus proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter to pack the rest of the meat in a juala) Jmburus patias waiter the now wrapped remaining meat to peleka to his car ...... Then he fungulias the carburattor (sp) "LETA TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili" as they wait for the Arsenal Match coming on the screens in about 20 mins.. Beers, Storoz, the game.... more beer flows... After kindu like 2 hours... to the amazement of jmburus...
Chic: tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! niitie yule mama wa sambusa...
...(jmburus closes his eyes and thinks silently... we should just have headed to Topaz..Fish n chips... )
(So later on at around 12:30 pm Jmburus takes the chick to the car and starts being naughty kidogo. the chick responds well and before long they are catching rubs like .....)
jmburus: baby .. baby .. si we go to somewhere more private??
Chick: aaah.. aaah... you naughty boy!!! rrrrrrr. sure whats on your mind?
Jmburus: Ill show you!
(jmburus drives like a mad man in anticipation of what is at stake '40 kg of pure booty' occassionaly missing the gears and going way up her tiny skirt.) before long they get to jmburus hao.Catch all the way to the fifth floor.
jmburus: (both already half naked, jmburu tries to chuck her pants)
Chick: weeee iz how what you trying to do?
Jmburus: (amazed) kwani what do you think ?
chick: bilaz I dont want!!
Jmburus: come on babe!
Chick: (pulling a very serious look) NO! Dont do that!
jmburus: hala! whats the matter! (thinking! si thamutha umekula ? na viazi vya mafuta?)
Chick: I cant
Jmburus: (tusker malt tano na nyama ya ngombe fry? shuma lazima ilale ndani!)
Chick: I'm rolling !!!
Jmburu: Sh*T!!!
Conclusion : TABIA MBAYA!!!!! That was the last time I took her out!!!
Yeah right!!!! :-))

Mai Tai !!!

Saturday night was off the hook! I went to my new favourite cocktail Bar wit the girlie's and really over did it on the cocktails felt very sex in the city’ish... Had a blast! though, the budget for this week has suffered kidogo.
Later that night Afro-Caribbean society which in my uni really means ‘The west African society’ wer having a party at another cocktail bar in town after some sham/silly excuse to dress up in African outfits!, they like to call Awards Night...Thing is I actually think the idea of the awards ceremony for an African society is a really good thing especially if they are awarding actual achievements of Africans within the uni, furthermore the representation of African culture in their choice of outfits is fabulous! But these guys really take the piss wit the actual awards! Hottest guy, Most flirtatious chick...... the nominations in the bootylicious category are ....and Miss milkshake 2006 is....Arrrr! It does my head in! I jus dont get it!!! Plus people pack the awards like it’s the hottest ticket in town infact guys come from all over england and to add insult to injury, they pay 10 pounds for normal seats and upwards of 20 pounds for a table wit all the drinks you can think of flowing .. not to mention the chicks go on a mad shopping spree for their After Party outfit as they have already commisioned their brand new African outfit on their last trip home over December just for the awards ceremony…. So in true girl fashion we decided to go check out the ‘After Party’ and see what tricks these chicks were gonna pull out of a hat and call them outfits...suprisingly we had a blast there but unfortunately coz the bar was not that big a lot of people were turned away….soon enough the bar was closing and then it was time to move onto the After After Party ! we got to the Party at sum chicks house…Music was amazing the place was packed but it totally brought my buzz down…. Great Music + no alcohol = waste of time... So ended up going to a friends house and made some more cocktails eventually got home after a hearty mcdonalds breakfast at about 8am..Sunday was a rumour!

The HIV Question!

Was talking to a friend the other day about how I was warming up to the idea of Mr Trouble coming down and I was asking her for ideas as to what we should do that night i.e dinner, bar or stay in… anyway while we were planning the night, she asked me if he uses protection when he’s sleeping with other girls and when was the last time he had a HIV screening…For a moment I was a little taken back by the questions but what freaked me out even more was that I dint even have an inkling of an answer to these questions....I’m a firm believer in protection and I’m making appointment for my next screening in a few weeks, so okay that’s me in check but what about him?

Me and Mr T have talked about sex on many occasions so its not like the topic has never come up. I was warming up to the idea of him coming to c me and if we really clicked then we would hook up….but now I’m not so sure.. Considering we’ve been talking for a month now and I haven’t seen him since the night we met. How do I even approach the subject without getting ahead of myself?

Taking a step away from my situation.. Generally when going through the initial dating stages of getting to know each other, at what point should you bring it up ?From my experience people are still willing to shut their eyes and jump into shark infested water pretending that shark wont get them!!! and as much as it’s a dating faux pas to talk about the Ex’s it seems that asking about each others views on protection and when their last HIV Screening was, is the ultimate faux faux pas ...

Asked by the guy early in the dating stage makes the guy seem too eager to get into the girls pants.. asked by the girl in the same situation and this may send the guy one of two signals.. either the green light signal that means she’s up for it or red light that meaning that’s she sleeps around.

We need to get out of this cloud and accept that HIV is here to stay at least for a while and its in our best interests if we are going to have sex that we open up and talk about these things without being judgemental… fumbling for a condom in the dark jus wont cut it anymore!

So taking my own advice, this week I mentioned to Mr T that I was making an appointment to get a HIV test and asked him when was the last time he had one done.I think it was nerves but I really rushed thru that question and jus as luck would have it, he dint hear it properly so I had to basically spell it out for him. He told me it was a couple months ago when he changed his insurance. Glad that I had an answer to the question…something else crept into my head and I started thinking well its great that he’s had the test but how many women has he been with since his last test? My dilemma is in now trying to figure out how to ask him to get another test done, without seeming like I want to tie him into a relationship and scare him away..

A well deserved weekend in Bed

This week has been the most tiresome week I’ve had in ages, handed in two assignments in yesterday that I’ve been working on non stop since last week, and this time I felt like I was really pushing it, my sleeping pattern is really messed up but at least i've got the weekend to laze about...

Went to a friends birthday party last Friday. the same house where I met Mr. Trouble and it was fantastic its like that house is my own little cupid coz I finally got talking to this guy who I keep seeing at different parties and there always seems like therz chemistry but we somehow loose each other thru the night, he seemed interesting or at least that’s what I thought for most of that night but looking back at other times that I met him he really dint say that much and thinking about it now I was doing most of the talking. So as the party was in one of the campus houses, campus security came to shut the party down so everyone walked out and went for a walk in different directions to give the impression that we were going home. Only to come back when the security was gone...Kenyans! so me and Mr yummy took a walk, its still winter and the wind here is pretty fierce so I was bundled up in my winter warm jacket while Yummy was wearing some jacket that the host had thrown at him coz he could not find his own.. so the guy now starts complaining how cold it is so after five mins of what was supposed to be a romantic midnight stroll but ended up being me listening to his teeth chattering, I had enough, I offered to exchange jackets wit him and the guy jumped at the opportunity! So I put on his jacket and it wasn’t the warmest but it was warm enough to stand in the cold for at least 20 mins....That right there was when the penny dropped...Me and him will never go anywhere!!

I gotta say I’m a bit traditional I want a man who will give me his jacket in the coldest of the coldest evenings while he freezes his butt of and doesn’t say a thing or at least just make the offer to give me the jacket.. A man who treats a woman as if she is the most fragile thing in the world while accepting that she can stand up for herself if need be but while he's around she can lean on him.

Confusion All Around!

Okay so I don't know what to feel now, I've got into a situation which in some ways is great and in others its pretty shit! So me and Mr trouble have been talking and he kept trying to convince me that he should come down for the night(which in my mind means only one thing) and I just wasn't ready for that kind of thing and so jus kept saying no... whats with guys these days? I really tried to maneuver him coming to my town in the day time but nah the guy always seemed to have plans, so for 2 weekends and a week I've been saying no..Now yesterday he doesn't reply my emails and when he emailed me today wit a pathetic Whats good! I dint feel the need to write back...Anyway dude calls me in the evening and we exchanged a bit of pleasantries and then goes,"we're friends aren't we ?" so I'm like yea... wit that sorted he starts telling me about this flight attendant chick he met and how he's kinda into her mix but bla bla bla and then has the nerve to ask me when I'm gonna let him come down and what I'm gonna do to him when he comes down??????....Now on one hand when I heard about this other chile I was like what the hell is he telling me this shit for and then I was kinda relieved that the pressure of him coming down was off..but then dude still has plans to come over! now I'm thoroughly confused does he want the flight attendant or me ? and what does friends in this modern day and age mean? I just don't know anymore...So i did something stupid, I mentioned to my mother that I met a West African Chap..Needless to say if text on yahoo msg could boil..hers would have evaporated! she just could not understand why I was asking for Trouble and warned me to be very careful...

Coming from East Africa we see our west cousins like the rest of the world see's them..Drug dealers, con men and all sorts of other things and we forget that we too have those kind of people in our country.How often do we read stories in the local papers about kenyan drug traffickers and can we 4get the 6 tonnes of cocaine found in our ports last year? The kenyan population cannot even come close to the Nigerian population so of course there are more stories of them doing all these illegal things and that is why it is easy to label all of them with all these stereotypes.I met a zambian guy the other day and he asked me what tribe i was and when I said Kikuyu he proclaimed that we are the ones who stole a lot of land from our people and are theives and murderers...same situation there... I'm not saying my mom is crazy for being worried coz I dont know enough about this guy and he could actually be a drug dealer or con man anyone can! but I dont want to see him as a stereotype...I want to see the person beyond the stereotype...

Meeting this guy has opened my mind, getting to know him and understanding where he's coming from has lead me to explore the west African culture and its is kinda interesting...looking back I cant believe how closed minded I was...been downloading west African tunes and they actually aint as bad as the movies....anyway however this thing with this guy goes at least I've got a new appreciation for something that I had totally dismissed!

PRESS FREEDOM : LETTER TO KIBAKI

Press Freedom: Letter to Kibaki

Dear President Kibaki,On March 2, 2006 armed police raided the headquarters and printing plant of the East African Standard Group. In addition to destroying equipment including the printing presses and burning newspapers, they shut down the Kenyan Television Network television station.This latest attack follows the jailing of three journalists from the East African Standard newspaper, attacks on the Citizen Weekly, and ongoing harassment of journalists by government-sponsored forces.I urge you to:

1) Condemn these attacks in the strongest terms possible.

2) Dismiss any member of your government who played a role in the attacks.

3) Live up to your promise to support freedom of the press.Please copy and paste a copy of this letter on your blog.

You may alter the wording to suit your needs. Campaign started by Keguro.